Ok, dramatics aside, so they were obviously some Henry the Eighth-style buckled clogs rather than some spike-studded Loubs...But still.
So, I know what you're thinking now...Why isn't your other half offering you a twirl of his Jimmy Choos every time he sees you looking at your shoe collection in dismay? And where the fuck is he hiding them? And the tights...I don't think any of you will understand how many of my BRAND NEW tights my other half has carelessly tore from their packets and dissected so that he could "strain" his smoothies and fresh juices. No, I'm not joking. Well anyway, there's a long fucking list of I-O-Us, so wherever he's hiding his stockings and heels...I need some.
This initially started out as a post displaying my horror at finding out that men were the first to wear heels - a trend that only came to an end (and hopefully stays that way) because women began wearing them to emulate male power and well, surprise surprise, men didn't like the new association with women as it tainted their power status so guess what, now nobody can wear heels. Selfish motherfuckers.
But anyway, the point is - whether you've noticed or not - this is rapidly becoming a post about how much easier (and cheaper) my life would be if my boyfriend were a cross-dresser. I know what you're thinking, that escalated way too quickly for a Tuesday morning. But seriously, my other half actually has decent-ish taste, this could work. Well, aside of the obvious dress and shoe size difference. Oh, come on, stop making fake, over-exaggerated retching noises when really you're all sat at home eyeing up your skinny ass boyfriend's waistline like "Fuck, this bitch is on to something".
Realistically, it'd just be like swapping clothes with your best friend, but with major damage limitation for rips and tears. Like you can just come back with that Dolce in tatters, scuff marks on the knees from when you tripped up the curb and he can't say shit. And well, if he does, then he's an ungrateful son of a bitch because you cook for him, you clean for him and you do other things that may or may not be age-appropriate to mention depending on my audience. But anyway, you get the point. It's basically a loan with no interest. A big, ass, cross-dressing bank with no interest and no overdraft limit. Kaaaachhhhinnnnng!
So...I'd take a loan from The Cross-Dressing Bank, but would you?
Maybe I'm just a sick fuck but I think I'd definitely let my boyfriend walk around the house (ONLY the house) in a dress if I could claim it and rock the fuck out of it afterwards. I don't care what you think of me, I will make that life-scarring sacrifice for a Hervé and hold my head high when I walk past you all in the queue for the club with my perfectly French-sculpted bootay. Trust me, you'll all be wishing you did the same.
Ok, one last joke. What made women start wearing heels again after men decided nobody should wear them? Pornography. Yes, I'm being serious. Mid-ninteenth century pornographers began posing female nudes in high heels. So if today's history lesson has taught us anything ladies, it's that men are power-hungry, female-loathing cross-dressers and well, we're all just a bunch of sluts. Sounds about right. Either way, I'll still take that Hervé.
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