Lord of the Flies

As the biggest and dirtiest of them all is currently circling me whilst producing the next bass line for Calvin Harris, I've realised that I have an especial hatred reserved solely for flies. I'm sorry but for something that likes to bask around in shit all day, these things make far too much damn noise for my liking. What I'm trying to say is, if I'd been rolling around in my partner's excrement all day, I would make the swiftest, quietest exit possible. Instead, these motherfuckers are out here dodging open-windows big enough to ram a double decker bus through in order to repeatedly head butt the closed window next to it. Are these things completely senseless? Like really though? In actual fact, I feel totally let down by the education system that the brain (or lack of) of flies wasn't considered a key piece of the curriculum. You see, if I could understand flies, then maybe I'd be able to understand men.

Females only now, think about this. You and your partner have an argument. They're in the wrong (as always). You know they're in the wrong, and so do they. Because you're loving and precious and kind, you decide to refrain from stamping them into the carpet and spare their life. As an alternative, you present them with the easy road, a sort of custodial sentence per say. You know: a heartfelt apology, a 3,000 word thesis on why and how they're an asshole, flowers and dinner every week for a month. Oh, and a little gift-wrapped Chanel didn't hurt anybody. Because, you know, nothing says "I love you" quite like gift-wrapped Chanel.

But anyway, so whilst you're out here being nice, handing out community service, these motherfuckers aren't going for the guilty plea. Instead, just like this fly (that's one more noise away from sudden death, by the way), they're begging for the death penalty, so they just keep on head butting that increasingly fragile spot. At this point, even Jesus has tried to come back and save the poor guy.

So what is it that makes it so hard for men to say sorry and accept responsibility? And what is it that makes it so hard for flies to leave through an open door, despite emerging through the tiniest cracks with ease?

If education has taught me anything, it's the beauty of correlation. So, theoretically, men and flies must be linked. Right? 


So, let's briefly look at some of the similarities:

1. Is it really coincidence that flies have the biggest eyes known to man (made up of approximately 6,000 individual lenses) and that your partner just saw that death stare and those wanker hand gestures that you just orchestrated behind his back?
2. House flies tend to gather in large groups to chat about shit all day, just like your partner and those friends of his that you can't stand.
3. House flies typically live between two weeks and a month, which is about the length of time that your partner can manage without pissing you off.
4. In the event of the above occurring, both flies and men ignore the "easy way out" in favour of a more hostile and torturous end.



Update: Funnily enough, after writing this post, I came across an article featured on KCL outlining research that proves "strikingly similar brains of man and fly"...So now I'm saying fuck the haters, I'm clearly doing the wrong degree. So, next time that you tell your partner that he's full of shit, you can laugh because well, he probably is...