A Little Luxe Goes a Long Way

When you think Tesco's F&F, your memory is probably drawn back to the horror-scene that is the online store - which murders every fucking fashion rule (and dream) in the book, and includes arguably some of the worst leopard print ensembles ever created, as well as some hideously "tailored" MC Hammer-esque maroon joggers, which - at a steep £20 - had better come with a signed photograph from the man himself. 

But, if the A/W'14 preview is anything to go by, it would appear that with lace camisoles, cashmere-blend cardigans and enough fur to bring back the wooly mammoth, a little luxe goes a long way. So, if your style inspiration so happens to be 'vintage mistress', I suggest you keep your eyes peeled online and in-store - ready for when the collection drops on September 1st. 

Coat (£40), Cardigan (£65), Chemise (£25)

Ok, the coat, cardigan and chemise combo has left me slightly bemused.

Firstly, since when did a cardigan cost more than a coat please? I see absolutely nothing special about this drab grey cardigan. Ok, you're right, it's probably cashmere - that's code for 'posh bitch material', in case you don't know what the fuck that is...But fuck that. I live in England, it's basically perpetual Winter over here and grey is doing zilch for my happiness right now. I'm depressed and self-pitying enough as it is without looking like a fucking boulder. What I'm trying to say is this: why would anyone want to brave the storms looking as downtrodden as Tess Durbeyfield or some underpaid milkmaid, when they could take their hermit ass and their £65 to Zara and leave looking like kaleidoscopic sunshine? Don't worry, I don't know either...

Secondly, who styled this please? This is what I imagine all posh bitches wear when doing The Walk of Shame. In case you've lived an innocent and sheltered life and no one you know has ever done this, The Walk of Shame is when you're forced to step out in public and go home after having spent the night boozed up and out of your face in some random fellow's bed. Like seriously though, this chick looks like she's just waiting for her helicopter to arrive after leaving her sugar daddy's penthouse. I really do not know anyone - except maybe Anastasia Steele, Rihanna (if sneakers were available - obviously), or a woman in a serious emergency (i.e. me running to the shop for some snacks with an obscenely high amount of calories) - that would leave the house in this get up. As a whole outfit, it's just not working for me, and it reeks of 'mistress'.

Ugh, the coat. If Chewbacca and a drag queen had a love child, this would be it. I love it. Deeply. Ok, for £65, I'm still thinking that Tesco are getting a little too bold with their prices. They might want to take it down a notch, or change that slogan because - in truth - I'm going to need more than a "little" help to fund this spree. I'm talking full blown bank loans here, people. What I'm trying to say, in the least brand-snobbish way possible, is that - well, for the price, I'd kind of rather just shop elsewhere. Like Warehouse. I swear, Warehouse does the most fabulous faux fur coats. But that's not the point...

Look, it's not just about the brand but well, I'm a very particular breed of sloth, so it's about convenience too. I don't do Tesco. It's as simple as that. I eat like a wild boar, so I find it overpriced - a rule to which the clothes are proving to be no exception, but anyway...It's just effort for me to go out of my way for this coat. Because well, for the price, I don't think I love it enough. It's a beautiful colour - given, but I'm a midget with a small frame and the coat is a tad bulky in all honesty, so putting it on would mean that I lose any shape that I actually have. I can see it now, I'm either going to be the furriest pencil holder known to man, or I'm going to transform into one of those cheap furry pencil cases that look like some under-the-bed monster and last for approximately two incredibly dull Maths lessons (in which time, you constantly zoom the zip backwards and forwards just to stay awake) before the opening mechanism entirely fucks up. It's a beautiful disaster waiting to happen.

Admittedly, the shirt is fine, and seems reasonable at £14 - but it's nothing worth changing my pants over. The £25 trousers though, let's not go there. They look almost like cheap, reformed tinsel - probably designed by one of those penny-pinching, fun-sponge moms that insist on having their children unwrap presents in an orderly fashion so that the wrapping paper can be reused the following year. Just...No. Stop. Things like this just aren't acceptable to me. Aaaaand, they having ankle cuffs. Fucking ankle cuffs. So now it's like if Nike did Christmas joggers, this would be it. What is the world coming to please? Please, kill me now before they make the matching hoodie.

The coat is cute, and relatively reasonable at £40. I mean, c'mon, who doesn't want to look like a brown bear? Yeah, I don't know either. But the dress, I'm sorry...God bless Robin Williams, may he rest in peace but people...Can we please refrain from attempting to resurrect Mrs Doubtfire's wardrobe. It's just not acceptable. Leave it alone. In the lady's own words: "Touch it again and I'll drown you, ya bastard".

I quite like this slinky little number, minus the er...Leggings? Footless tights? I don't know, whatever the fuck they are...I hate them. Totally killed a perfectly good outfit here. Some nicer heels and some fucking accessories wouldn't have gone a miss either, but I'll let that slide because well, mermaid-esque metallic skirt and a little embellished number with some fur...Magpie totally on board here. 

I love the fur stole. Whether or not I like it hanging down like some limp velvet tongue is debatable, but whatever. One thing though: can F&F do me a favour and lay off the cardigans? Look, I don't know what it is, I just have a certain dislike for cardigans to the point where I'm just sat here doing some Italian grandpa shrugs and hand gestures, like any of you can see me. I did actually order two cardigans online from H&M a while back. They're still in their packaging. I just can't bring myself to wear them. The truth is, every time I imagine myself in a cardigan, I'm either a grey-haired lady called Doris, or I've totally lost control of my life and I'm on my way to the corner shop in my trusty cardigan, my pyjamas and my slippers after having scraped the mould off my bread and realising my butter has fossilised. It's a sad state of affairs. 

F&F totally rinsing out the brown bear right now. Personally, I think it would have looked better simply hung over the model's shoulders, with a nice embellished clutch...But whatever. There's nothing majorly wrong here, except the lack of fucking accessories!!!! F&F, get with the program...It's nearly Winter and I'm going for snowflake, not sleet. Please, just put a few fucking rhinestones in my life...You know, brighten things up a little!