Thank Me Later, Bitches

If you so happen to be a dedicated ELLE reader, you will - of course - know that, with this month's issue, each reader receives a £20 gift card for ALDO Shoes. Although, I do believe that subscription readers receive an extra £5. In case that you're not a subscription reader, I would certainly advise that you become one this month - especially if you're like me and have just rinsed out your perfume to the last drop. Why? Because this month's free gift is a bottle of Marc Jacob's 'Daisy'. Just what I neeeeeeed, yes please and thank you.

Anyway, this isn't a sponsored, and incredibly dull, "I love ELLE foreva xoxox" post. Instead, having scoured through the never-ending virtual shelves of www.aldoshoes.com, I've picked out my personal favourites to share with you all. You know, just in case any of you need help spending your gift cards...Or if you fancy donating them to me...


LEIN

Aside from being fit for a hitman's wife, these leather, peep-toe ankle booties are actually in the clearance section, having been reduced from £120 to £49.98. YES PLZ. Already added these bad boys to the trolley. Please excuse me whilst I go and shine my Samurai sword.

Direct link: http://www.aldoshoes.com/uk/clearance/womens-boots/ankle-boots/30778956-lein/97


RATHBURN

If your holiday "must have" list is missing a tick next to 'Cute leather mules', look no further...

Super pissed that these are sold out in my size. But, if you so happen to be a mouse (or seven years old) and have size 3 feet...You need these. And, considering that they've been reduced from £70 to £29.98, there's just no excuse for you and your midget feet not to buy them...

Direct link: http://www.aldoshoes.com/uk/women/sandals/high-heels/32035531-rathburn/16


ACAON

Love, love, love, LOVE! They're like the perfect accessory for improving any "I can't be arsed to dress nicely today" outfit. Let's call it lazy lesbian chic. Ok, the price is steep as fuck at £65, I really don't know where they're going with that...Except straight into liquidation. BUT they are leather, aaaaannand super cute.

They even come in some weird ass, mildly ugly cow print in case there's a certain cow (human or otherwise) that you need to buy a present for. Also, they're available in all sizes - including a UK 9.5, just in case...You know, said cow has obscenely large hooves.

Direct link: http://www.aldoshoes.com/uk/women/shoes/trainers/34055528-acaon/97


SERINNA

Ok, this is why I don't usually shop at ALDO. Whoever the fuck prices this shit has clearly spent too long in some seedy Amsterdam cafe because well, as cute as they are, they're not even leather...AND they're £80. I'm sorry, am I Lord Sugar? Who is paying these prices?

But whatever, just in case you so happen to have more money than sense, I think these are perfect. They also come in black and navy. Trust me, they don't even compare to this colour - which, in case you're a nosey, super fancy bitch, is called 'bordeaux'. In posh bitch language, that probably translates to "OMG daddy, I need these shoes", but unfortunately for ALDO, in my language, that - and the £80 price tag - only translates to one thing: WINE TIME.  

Direct link: http://www.aldoshoes.com/uk/women/boots/ankle-boots/34452857-serinna/40


TOELLAN

Admittedly, I am a self-confessed magpie. In other words, when I see something sparkly...I want that shit. Although - unlike my bird counterpart - I tend to pay for my obsession instead of resorting to theft. So, unsurprisingly, I was drawn to the shiniest, and arguably most overpriced shoes on the whole God damn site.

They also come in black, which - to be honest - I don't really like, but whatever...Like seriously, at £50, I could probably buy about ten pairs of these motherfuckers at H&M. Or I could buy a cheap plain pair, bring out my childhood glitter box and make these myself. Let me just jot that down on my 'To do' list...But, in case you just won the lottery and/or are like a moth with a glitter gun, you should probably get these...

Direct link: http://www.aldoshoes.com/uk/women/shoes/trainers/33952972-toellan/82


WHITMILL

I'm sorry, I'm a sucker for ugly shoes. Like truly. They look like special orthopaedic shoes and you know what, I fucking love them. Maybe it's like a self-esteem thing since I was bow-legged as a child. Like this trend is like my one chance to make that seem cool...And I'm milking the fuck out of it, daily. 

But seriously though, I actually bought two pairs of ugly ass shoes with the biggest fucking heel and platform that you ever did see. Like honestly, even the 70s never saw platforms like this. And guess what? I haven't worn them once...Unless we're counting the "UK's Next Top Ugly Shoe" episode that I held in my bedroom.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: whether you'll wear these shoes or not is irrelevant because, like a sloth, they're amazingly cute in the ugliest fucking way possible. So...Whether they're on your feet or just an ornamental piece for your wardrobe, onlookers will probably look on in disgust, but deep down in the crevices of their hearts, they'll feel sympathy for the ugliness of the shoe, learn to love them and probably ask if the shoes and/or you are up for adoption. So, in reality, it's not even about the shoes. Fuck the shoes, I think this a solid plan for finding Mr Right to be honest. So, if you're a miserable lonely bitch, I suggest you buy two pairs.

Direct link: http://www.aldoshoes.com/uk/women/sandals/wedges/31316796-whitmill/97
(These are only available in a 5 - they're reduced from £60 to £29.98 though, AND they're leather, so if your toes need to scrape along the floor to fit into these, then so fucking be it)


Oh, and next month I believe there's a River Island gift card...So watch this space.
Thank me later, bitches xoxo