Cheap Never Looked So God Damn Cheerful

With the sneak previews of A/W'14 collections coming in thick and fast from the high street, it's only polite that we pay homage to some of the best. So, in no particular order (other than obsessively alphabetical), here's to the high street:

ALL SAINTS

It's just typical All Saints: think leathers, sheepskin and tailoring. If there were ever an episode of 'The Real Housewives of Dominatrix Farmers', this would be it.

I find this unforgivably hideous, but at the same time...Who doesn't want to look like liquid gold on legs? Considering that it's All Saints (which means that it'll probably cost you a gold bar to buy the damn thing), you may as well make it look that way. Like Dolly said, "it takes a lot of money to look this cheap". Oh gurl, we believe you.

It's half boring maternity wear and half killer slut (think Julia Roberts x Pretty Woman). I hate it entirely, but I absolutely love it.

ASOS

Oh, for the love of culottes! 

Admittedly, everything minus those £40 satin beauties is undeniably hideous...But who's looking anyway? 

All these need is a badass bralet, some white stilettos, potentially a white blazer and - most definitely - the biggest motherfucking hat you ever did see.

Can it be so? Veil beanies (£12) and pom pom key chains (£15)? Good Sweet Jesus! ASOS, you're spoiling us! Ok, so I agree, I don't know why a keychain costs more than a beanie either but fuck that, I want both. 

Winter widow x Bitchy cheerleader? Either way, it's a win win.

If veil beanies aren't enough to have you feeling like a Tudor, what about these chokers (priced between £10 and £18)? 

For some reason (maybe because I prayed my socks off as a child to experience life as my Scottish Terrier for a day), I've always loved chokers. These little beauties - particularly the third and forth - have reignited my love for such things. So, thank you ASOS, for fulfilling my secret lifelong dream of being both Scottish Terrier, and Henry the Eighth. 

H&M STUDIO

Ok, so I kinda' hated working there and felt like the most liberated slave in history once I grew some balls and quit after nearly three years butttttt boy, oh boy do I love the clothes (RIP to my beloved staff discount - always loved, deeply missed but never forgotten). You know what I love even more than the clothes (ok, not quite)? THE PRICE! Thank the Lord for H&M, one of the only high street stores to take pity on my broke ass and price accordingly. Why would the working people need the Labour Party when we have H&M? Don't worry, I couldn't think of any answers either...

The coat is priced at £59.99, the dress at £29.99, and both at mine all mine! I feel foxy just looking at the damn thing! On that note, I think we can all take a rain-check from All Saints' liquid gold, because thanks to H&M...Cheap never looked so God damn cheerful. 

Ok, a little less on the cheap side at £149, but who gives a shit? It's pyjama overall chic, which is actually kinda' perfect for me: an often lazy procrastinator that would, however, like to appear to be doing something. I think it's brilliant. One downside: I'm a midget. The likelihood of not being drowned by navy fabric is slim. Size zero slim. But, I'll probably try anyway...

Admittedly, this doesn't even belong in this post as I actually think that it's one of the worst A/W'14 pieces but I had to post it anyway because well, what the fuck? Is it a jacket or a lampshade? I'm so confused right now. If it be the latter, my whole neighbourhood is currently experiencing a power cut (I don't even have WiFi or a working mobile number - I know, total horror movie scene) so this could come in handy. 

However, I can't forget that it's hideous with possibly the worst cut in living history...So, for £79.99 (yes, you read correctly), sorry H&M, but I think I'll stay in perpetual darkness and offer myself up to Chucky. 

H&M are clearly loving the £79.99 benchmark, or they've got no other price tags available. Either way, as cute and colourful as it may be (who doesn't want to look like that Caterpillar birthday cake you probably had every year as a kid?), a giant fishnet stocking has not, is not and never will be £79.99.

The dress (that you can't really see) is £29.99. Yeah, yeah it's cute and whatever...But fuck the dress. 

I hate puffa (yes puffa, not puffer - sorry Burberry, us commoners had them first) jackets, with a passion. Even as a child, I outright refused to be seen dead in a puffa. No, I'm not exaggerating, I told my parents from the get-go that if they were ever to attempt to force me into a puffa jacket, I would hang myself with it in the playground - scarring many nursery children's lives in the process. 

Although still to this day, I remain loyal and will choose to die a slow and gradually blue death in the Winter months rather than purchase a puffa, I have to admit that a tiny part of me wants to override my "Death before Puffa" stance in favour of resembling a silver Wotsit.

REISS

Personally, I feel as though Reiss is one of the only high street stores that still enjoys dressing women as, well...Women. I'm talking fringed dresses, feathers and sharp tailoring. The collection perfectly contrasts vintage-inspired femininity with the modernity of bold edges. 

The only dilemma here is deciding whether I want to be The President's wife, or The Mafia's hit woman. 

 

TOPSHOP

Is it merely coincidence that I only really like the clothes that Miss Delevingne's modelling? I think not. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: I like the clothes, but maybe I kinda' fancy Cara more. Either way, I highly doubt that I'll be buying anything for the simple fact that Topshop is some sort of miraculous clone factory by which anyone (and everyone) who enters may only leave if dressed identically to the rest of the city. 

Er, I think I'll just window shop thanks...

 

 WHISTLES

Okay, so I hated the majority of the collection. What can I say? I have an acquired taste. 

But wait...

All hail the Kumiko faux fur coat.

Now I don't know how much this bad boy costs, but what I do know is that I will be remortgaging my parents' house by any means necessary in order to get it. Yes, I am a midget...So yes, it probably will reach my ankles. Do I care? No. 

Think about it: is it any coincidence that 'Kumiko' is also an urban myth about a Japanese woman (named Kumiko) that froze in the woods in the middle of Minnesota? Being as superstitious as I am, it can only mean one thing: purchase the coat and transform into a beautiful lilac alpaca to be the envy of all basic bitches, or face death by frostbite. 

I don't know about you, but I'll be taking my fur-loving ass over to Whistles as soon as the new season drops.