The Stainless Steel Replicock

Ever wanted to wear a vibrator as a necklace? Well, for around $49, now you can. 

Crave's new 'Vesper' stainless steel vibrator doubles up as a pendant, and comes in silver, rose-gold and 24ct gold-plated (for all the fancy bitches out there), with speed varieties ranging from low to high. It's apparently "whisper quiet", and it's even USB rechargeable - perfect for when your hands are full at the office, or when you want to buzz away the drone of your lecturer's monotone voice (or those freshies asking 101 questions on front row). And there's even the option to have it engraved. Any guesses on what last-minute gift your partner's getting you for Christmas? Orgasm on a stick, anyone?

Either way, I think it's absolutely ridiculous.

Regardless of its sleek curved edges and that tan hue that matches your nude Louboutins perfectly, would anyone seriously wear a dildo or a strap-on around their neck as a fashion statement for some unfortunate bastard to touch and admire, entirely unknowing of its journey inside your southern orifice one hour previous? I think not. If it so happens that you would, I suggest that you seek psychiatric help...Immediately.

No doubt, some crazy feminist bitches (probably the same ones who claim that it's a woman's human right to run around cities butt naked without fear of an indecent exposure charge, but will press charges quicker than a Cheetah if their boss so happens to glance at their over-exposed cleavage) will have this branded as some modern day revolution against feminism and a winning battle in the war on the expression of female sexuality. Well, all I have to say to you freaky motherfuckers is this: if my sexuality need be defined by the aura of orgasm lingering around my neck...I guess I better have another look for those balls that I've seemingly misplaced. 

Imagine if men started parading around with those fake "vagina-on-a-stick" type things (yes, those hideous, life-scarring things that look like a torch, but with a fake rubber vagina in place of a bulb) swinging from their necks. I guarantee that you feminists amongst us would be the first to make an outcry, branding it "an openly perverse sexualisation on women". But, of course, it's perfectly acceptable to have a stainless steel replicock in full view.

It's official, 50 Shades of Grey has turned the whole world mad.