Popcorn and Panties

The moment that millions of lonely, unsatisfied women have been waiting for has finally arrived: the official '50 Shades of Grey' trailer has been released (cue worldwide orgasm epidemic):

Truthfully, after watching that...I feel sad. Like really, I feel deeply hurt. The reason for this is that well, admittedly, in my previously single-female-state-of-mind, I may or may not have read the trilogy four times (you know, just in case I missed something the first three times). 

Anyway, the point is, from the get go, I knew these characters better than the author herself. You see, E.L.James wrote that Christian was ginger with chest hair. I'm sorry....but no. Christian Grey has never been ginger. In fact, he should look a hell of a lot like Matt Bomer with an American Psycho-esque aura about him. So, Jamie Dornan just isn't cutting it for me. Even his fucking voice is wrong, so now I can't even go to the cinema in a blindfold and enjoy it. Thanks mate, thanks a lot. 

In my opinion, the acting just seems ridiculously awkward and almost Twilight-like. To be honest, the fact that Rita Ora plays Christian's little sister just says it all really. Total boycott over here. Realistically, unless this film is going to be a full-blown porno, there was just no point in even making it in the first place. Please don't confuse me for some full-blown porn-advocate but come on, it'd be like advertising a cheese sandwich with no cheese. But fuck that anyway, my main point is...The female lead looks shitty too, but why couldn't they have just picked Matt Bomer? Then I could have happily sat in the back corner of the cinema with my popcorn and a spare set of panties.

I am so pissed.